I've never found it so hard to keep a relationship going until now.

There's always a reason why a person's relationship doesn't last long. It's because that person has issues that has to be dealt with.

My relationships so far have lasted for an average of a year.

If this isn't working out, I really wonder whose fault it is.

Is it mine? Or His?

Weird Fetish.

Was chatting with Daryl over MSN, and I realised that I have a weird fetish for men with the following physical attributes.

Physical

1. Curly Wurly hair
2. Biceps
3. Bespectacled
4. Tall

And I suddenly realised that all these while, I've been looking for CLARK KENT.

I should change my name to Lois. =D

Dear Anonymous Commentor,

Seriously, have you had UTI so bad that the WBC went up to more than 2000ul/mg?

Where pain emanated from my right kidney so bad, my hands trembled?

If you haven't, then I suggest you Shut The Fuck Up.

Yes, I can't live without Calvin, because I love him SHITLOADS.

I don't care what happens, even though I'm fucking negative at night when he's not by my side, but I'm gonna make things work out between us.

I get pissy, I get moody, but at the end of the day, the fact that I have strong feelings for him still won't change.

Got UTI.

In utter pain.

FML.

No Cal today. EMO.

Doubt he's gonna be so nice to visit me.

*curls in a ball*

Tonight was nice.

Because I got to see my Cal, and while waiting for him, Daryl was nice enough to keep me company.

=)

Singapore is really small and I'm constantly amazed at how connected we are.

Today. Good day.

Constantly paranoid, I had to do something about it.

So I invested heavily in Retail Therapy with Shorty.

2 girls, 8 hours. $400++

Zara, Mango, New Look, Forever 21, Topshop, Warehouse, etc.

From Somerset 313 to Ion Orchard.

I swiped till my card went bust. (Thank God I'd set a limit on my card)

I got Cal to be pack mule for a couple hours. He was clever. He came only after most of our shopping was done, and left us struggling with our shopping at the MRT. =/

I can't imagine the damage of his cards if he came any earlier.

But it would've been nice if he offered to carry our shoppings all the way home.

Short et moi had Handburger. I LOVE IT!!!!

Then I met up with Johnson for a late night bike ride and bitch session at East Coast. T'was fun.

Cold air in my face while we speed down the express way in the middle of the night. No traffic, no exhaust, just clean wind in my hair.

I feel a tad more balanced now...

Christmas. 3 months together.

We went to church. City Harvest is still not my kind of church. I still prefer Cornerstone. Ughs.

Had a very delicious and fattening dessert buffet lunch at Let's Sweets! at Plaza Singapura, before hitting the cinema!

Saw Tron: Legacy with Abraham and his girlfriend, Rach, before going for a nice tea at Society Cafe, and then Gulliver's Travel!

ZOMG, tried Affrogato and it was damn yummy! But their Apple and Lychee fizzy something wasn't bad either!

LOVES!

Then after the movie, we went to buy some -OH for the New Year party at his place!

A bottle of Skyy Vodka, a bottle of Champagne and a Moscato Asti!

LOVES!

Skyy Vodka is AB-SO-FUCKING-LUTE-LY delicious!

AND HE BOUGHT ME TWO GOLD TEA SET!

*Jumps around happily*

Fell asleep in his arms after some Pussy Vodka and my Christmas felt so purrfect.

=D

*iGrins*

Feeling used.

Sometimes I don't really know if I should believe in his sweet nothings.

Sweet nothings are not meant for believing. Those are for stupid girls. It's sweet and it means NOTHING.

I don't like it when he makes empty promises that he has no intention of fulfilling, nor do I like the fact that he has a track record and every now and then his past comes back to HAUNT ME.

Why do I have to suffer his crap?

I really don't understand. Why is this relationship making me do all these stupid things that I would've NEVER done?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Oh God, please, make things work out the way it should be and if you're trying to guide me, make it straight forward. Because all these little clues are making me confused. AMEN.

This Christmas isn't any good at all. ='(

I need to get my timing back. I have to stop sleeping at 3am. It's killing my body and soul.

My late night negativities are killing my relationships.

I need to be PUT TO SLEEP.

COURSEWORK FOR MARKETING IS FINALLY OVER!

CHRISTMAS IS FINALLY COMING, AND I'M FINALLY FEELING FESTIVE!

I managed to vomit 1000 words in 15 minutes, and threw the work into the submission bin with much glee.

Daryl fetched me to school. Had much fun chatting on the way there. =)

Celebrated with Gin + Coke in class today. Drank while conversing with the lecturer.

Bought a Christmas cake to celebrate Yong Sheng's Birthday + X'mas.

Went to Grand's for Glutinous Rice balls and dinner.

Dad fetched me home.

Cal didn't fetch me home, nor did he volunteer to. Either too tired or had a girl over there.

*shrugs*

I shall not care. Just don't pass me some unknown STDs can already. And if anything were to happen to me, I can only blame myself and my parents will castrate you on my behalf.

I've realised that women are really pitiful. Especially when they are with cheating partners who are not honest to them about it.

Been talking to my girls recently, and we're just stupid to fall for a man who probably doesn't deserve us.

Love is blind. Love is stupid.

Love hurts like a nasty little bitch.

Love fades. Love kills.

Love does fail.

Oh Lord, thank you for this day. I love Cal but my brain is too smart for the heart. God, I thank you for giving me brains. Amen.

What's your definition of commitment?

Potluck sucks. Cuz I have no confidence in my kitchen skills. I cook for fun.

But when my cooking has to be tasted by people, it stresses me out.

FPL. Fuck pot luck.

RAHS!

Coursework submission for Marketing is this evening.

I pray I'll be able to vomit and diahorrea out a thousand words by then.

Apathy.

Seeing him today, it felt different.

For once, I actually felt that I was wanted. In a weird way.

I've given up trying to stop him from knowing other girls. If he refuses to commit, then I don't see the point in me committing.

If he sees meeting my parents and relatives as a sign of commitment on my part, which I do, he has yet to show me to his sister.

Not as if I want to meet his sister, because we might clash or her too deep thinking might make my brain shut down.

*shrugs*

I'm just awfully drained from school, work and Calvin.

If he cared enough, he would have been more of a gentleman. Too bad he isn't.

Tired of playing nice. Tired of being good. Tired of letting a person who don't care trample all over me.

I'll just smile and let it be.

You'll stop seeing the real side of me.

Happy guessing, happy trying to know me. Because suddenly, I don't feel like opening myself up anymore. The hurt and pain in the last months has hurt me enough. I've made enough advances.

It's now your turn to make things work.

I've been too tired to blog for these past few days. My entries are vague, and I feel that a better entry should be in place.

But alas, I'm just too fucking tired.

I'm typing out of habit. LOL.

Cal saw the Relatives on Sunday. He brought his Kinects to Aunt Jolene's place and the cousins were initially too shy to play. And just when they were warmed up to the game, it was time to go home. LOL.

It somehow made the cousins want to come over to my place this coming Christmas Eve to play more! Being the spoilt brats that they are, the 3 Ks asked for CAB FARE to CAB to my place. =.=!

If not, they threatened, "Won't go for the X'mas party". LOL. AS if your presence would be missed, boyz. We would all be too busy gaming, we won't even miss you. HAHA.

Cal and I baked on Saturday until 1am at my place and resumed baking the next afternoon at his place.

T'was fun. Except the recipe was too wet and needs to be further refined. The end product was extremely yummy though. LOVES!

Anyway, I'm too drained. To the point of hallucinating and sleeping on keyboards.

Ironically, I'm still blogging. But then I know my post right now must be full of incoherent ramblings.

Cal baby, I love you.

He met the relatives.

Impressed them enough.

The 5 Dwarfs like him enough. Kinected with them.

Christmas Eve party will be great. =)

I should stop being so insecure. It's getting on my own nerves. That little voice at the back of my head that warns me and keeps me safe, is getting a little too loud at times.

Should I heed the Voice or snuff it out?

Too tired to think, to tired to converse.

Burn out...

Dear Lord, Thank you for making things work out thus far. But I still leave it all in your hands to guide and show me what is best. Thank you for keeping Grand healthy. Amen!

I made a wrong decision letting you into my life.

Things would've been different without you. And perhaps, I might be happier.

Meeting you was a mistake. To have you mess with my heart and not give a damn now.

It's all a game to you. Everything's a game.

Grand's in hospital after a long bout of flu and The Tormentors refuse to let me see her.

Is this how a normal family functions? Hide and not tell. Criticize. Insult. Self Centered and Apathetic.

I've been trying for my entire damned life not to be like them. And yet.

HE. Seems to be like them as well.

No wonder they could communicate so well...

Money.

Actually deep inside I'm very much afraid of losing you...

I'd rather push you away than to have you too near me. Because I'm afraid that you'll hurt me and I'll let you.

=(

I dangled money in front of Shorty and got her to clean my room.

Money Talks.

And now my room is clean.

=I don't want him cleaning his FB's house for money. I'd rather throw twice the amount in his face than to have him go near her.=

Possession.

Crash Dumping.

What's the cause of crash dumping?

The office computer has been crashing like crazy the entire morning. I switch it on, load up some webpages, and the next moment it crashes.

URGH.

How am I supposed to do any work at this rate? The only pages that won't cause a crash is only Blogger.

Hence I'm blogging!

This weekend will be a super busy one.

I've too many events in a day.

Friday: Microsoft R2 Launch Conference. Clean Room / Outsource.
Saturday: Baking and TRON with Cal.
Sunday: Kinects Party with Cal. Shirley's Baptism. Aunty Jolene's house party.

I need an alarm clock that doesn't suck the battery life out. At the rate my alarm clock is going, I'll need a battery a week. WTF.

Is it because of me that baby's cussing more often? =(

I hope that's not the case...

How I wish I had more time in a day to do what I like doing...

Missed the 4/6 Bitch Out at Marche this evening after failing my HI for the second time.

I would have gladly turned up had the situation not been so weird. Since the break up with W.Q., his sympathizers all hate me, I think.

Wasn't in a good mood at all. Met Cal for dinner and movie.

Bones aching, stomach churning, feet dragging.

We saw Hello, Stranger.

He cried during the movie and wiped his tears with my jacket while I contemplated the ironies of such relationships.

Funny how a person could love Romance so much and yet be the least romantic of men I've dated.

No flowers, fancy dinner dates, diamond rings or nicely wrapped chocolates.

Just handmade truffles, occasional plays, parental visits and kopitiam dinners.

BAHS. Old School.

How to win a high maintenance girl at this rate? LOL.

=p

I need to outsource room cleaning to someone willing. Ughs. It's a pig sty!

Baking with baby this Saturday! Can't wait!

Ginger breadmen, Star cookies, and maybe a macaroni salad pinoy style and brownies.

=p~

Re-affirmation.

1. I'm hot. I got boobs. I got brains.
2. My job is easy and I can do it!
3. I will earn my 10k/mth by 25.
4. I will get my degree.
5. My boyfriend will not stray. (If he does, I'll just bite his head off.)
6. My boyfriend will be my husband. (If he doesn't, then he's not worth my time.)
7. I can multi-task and I can multi-task well!
8. I'm a great socializer and I will make full use of my skills to it's fullest!
9. I will work in a good mood. ALL day, Everyday.
10. I attract good people, good opportunities, and good money.
11. God loves ME.

=D

I'm a fucking WAG. LOL.

Friday was spent at work. Office in the day, and attending client's dinner at Marina Mandarin at night. Loads of wine and socialising. But I wasn't performing well...

Hung around STGCC for two whole days and it was brain numbing.

Because I was dead tired emotionally and physically, I've not been doing very well.

Every night's a puke fest. And I'm not loving it. I'm fine in the day, it's just the nights. FML.

Doesn't help that every now and then I find Cal flirting and tackling girls online, lying through his teeth to appease me, and making empty promises. With the aide of Absinthe, he seems to be able to lie better with loads of sweet nothings.

Because it all literally means nothing after the alcohol wears off.

Maybe I shouldn't doubt him. But he has a weak case to fight. It's so weak, it can't even be presented.

I'd seem reserved the past few days because I've not been feeling fine. *sigh*

Barely 3 months together and we're hardly working out. There's shitloads of issues to iron out. And I can say it's ALL HIM.

For once, I've been good. Like, REALLY REALLY GOOD. I think. Faithfulness-wise.

No flirting, no nothing. I didn't even drunk kiss random strangers while clubbing. pfft. I didn't even randomly grind any either. Haha.

See, I've been good. I didn't even meet new dudes online, nor fuck any of them. I'm just so damn Guai (obedient).

And I don't like it when my good behaviour isn't appreciated. I don't like it when I'm behaving and he's not.

It makes me ANGRY.

Que Sara, Sara. Whatever will be, will be.

Lord, if he isn't the one for me, Take Him Away. But if he is, Show me a strong signal that he's the one. Amen. Perhaps it's through my parent's approval. But his behaviour isn't appropriate, Lord. It makes me doubt him. I don't want to be with him any longer if he isn't the one for me although I do love him. I leave it all in your hands. Amen.

What purpose does a boy with a girlfriend have, tackling a girl with a boyfriend, and openly asking inappropriate R21 questions?

What's the purpose of the boy probing further and even offering a drive down to the girl's place even when the girl rejects? And during that time, did not offer to drive his own girlfriend home.

What does the boy take the girlfriend as?

Why did the boy post up pictures of the girlfriend only after he had been caught in the act, yet chose to avoid at all cost of posting their pictures up all these while?

Why did the boy choose to change his phone password after that although the girlfriend had never touched his phone?

Has the boy ever given a thought about the feeling of the girlfriend? Or has he been so selfish and self centered all these while that the feelings of the girlfriend holds no importance?

Why does the boy refuse to let the girlfriend go? Why bind her down when the boy himself wants to run?

Answer these if you still respect the girlfriend and give a proper account with proper corrective actions.

Else, Forget it.

Faint and light headed.

Had a nightmare last night.

In my dreams, I was doing a community project, painting walls in this park in Jurong West where the Evil Grandmother used to live. I got hungry and went to a stall nearby to buy Fried Noodles. The stall holder warned me of the possiblity of eating cummy noodles, but I did not heed her advice.

But after I had made payment, I was presented with a plate of Fried Noodles with 3 cum filled condoms. I rejected the food but I was forced to eat it. In my dreams, I puked and ran away. The Evil Grandmother then appeared in front of me, with a black mask, ala Darth Vader, with her wrinkled hands jabbing me, asking for money.

In my dreams, I tried to run, but I couldn't hide from her. She appeared everywhere, breathing down my neck, with that darned plate of Fried Noodles.

I woke up, ran to the loo and puked my bloody guts out.

I'm still so lightheaded. WTF.

What business does a boy with a girlfriend have, tackling a girl with a boyfriend, who is OBVIOUSLY uninterested in him?

It just shows one thing: the boy is trying to get lucky behind the girl's back.

Too bad the girl's not stupid and she has a slightly sharper intuition.

This cat and mouse game; how long can they play?

It's just not very worth it if either party isn't committed in the relationship, is it?

If you feel you haven't had enough fun chasing other girls, then by all means, release yourself from these bound shackles (relationship) and stop dragging the other party along. It's a burden to you and it hurts the other party too.

Even if you believe in whatever will be, will be, that ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT mean that you're free to fool around and let it be.

If there were guilt, I'm sure you're numb to it already or simply because you don't CARE about the other party you're dragging around in your philandering.

It takes one to know one, and it doesn't take this other party a long while to figure out the boy's game.

If you think it's a challenge, then I'm sorry that your opponent is not interested in your game because it Bores her.

Don't make this relationship a volatile and abusive one. PLEASE.

Oh Lord, I leave it all up in your hands once again. If marriage isn't in the card for me, remove him from my life. AMEN.

I'm very scared of him cheating behind my back and me not knowing.

Gregg warned me last night. Or perhaps he hinted like he knew something.

I really wish it won't happen. But if it DID, then I would like to find out.

Manager

Multi-tasker.

Multiple roles.

Work. Constant crashing of computer. Fickle internet connection. Technical issues hindered work.

What I'd set out to achieve were not done.

Financial Accounting. Bored me to death. Revised for Health Insurance instead. Realised that I'd run out of time. 14 Dec is THE DAY. I'll have to revise at least 2 chapters tomorrow. Negative thoughts flooded my head when he want MIA for a couple hours.The thoughts were so negative, it made me hyperventilate in class. Scary. Thoughts.

Him. V. Heartbreak. Me.

Headed down to St. James after school with the intention of collecting debt from Samson and friend. But sadly, I was conned to club with them. Cal's mad at him, and I'm mad at him. By hook or by crook, he'll have to return Cal the money by Saturday.

Under-aged girls with make up so thick, a pat on the face would emit a powdery cloud.

Transvestites and stupid girls in dresses so short their asses were exposed. Feast for the lusty teenage boys and unwanted old men.

I stood by the platform, BORED.

I would've preferred a night out at Chupitos' Bar, downing shots.

Cal came to send me home.

*Loves*

I'm capable. But I feel underpaid.

I should get at the very least 2k for my time.

Sadly, that isn't the case working for Uncle Nelson.

I'm still going to be an IFA.

PASSIVE INCOME.

The Tormentors likes my Stranger. =D

We went to watch Crazy Christmas, the family version, (which was too clean for my liking!) on Sunday, and window shopped a little around Bugis before buying some Chewy Juniors home for The Tormentors!

LOVES!

Woke up in the morning to the Q.B's bitching about me having yet another boyfriend. Was interrogated while I was half asleep with gunk on my eyes. Pfft.

It all happened in a sleepy blur and the next thing I knew, I had to tell Cal that The Tormentors wanted to see him.

Geez. I was surprisingly calm and not panicking! (Perhaps I was too sleepy and distracted by everyone walking in and out of my room.)

Like I was totally prepared for it to happen!

God totally made it easy for me. LOL. <3

He talked with the Father for a good few hours, and before he left, *DRUM ROLL* THE Q.B. ASKED HIM OVER FOR CHRISTMAS!

ZOMG ZOMG.

HAPPY!

Oh Lord, thanks for making it happen. I leave it all up in your hands. I really must go back to church. My prayers have been finally answered! AMEN!

It's a small world afterall.

I was asked to club with Edgar at Powerhouse or Samson at Rebel.

I chose to club at Rebel cuz I dislike Powerhouse and Edgar had too many friends going. Crowd control would've sucked the fun out of it.

I was in Sandals when I went to class for Accounting before hitting the clubs cuz the heels I'd ordered from Australia were too high to walk in!

So during break, I went to Tiong Bahru Plaza and chanced upon BATA SALES! $5 per pair for Marie Claire heels, which was originally priced at $50!

BARGAIN!

Bought two pairs, and changed into one in class. =D

Clubbing at Rebel was fun!

We had drinks at Chupitos Bar before hitting Rebel, and the boys, Samson and Matthew had Black Absinthe!

I had a B55 with Green Absinthe and my favourite Blow Job!

Calvin came by after that and he had a shot of Fiery Hell.

=p

We hit Rebel after that!

Danced shit loads and I had a hell of a time!

I didn't get to dance with Samson again, cuz Calvin was there, and it wasn't polite. *shrugs*

And Calvin started confessing his love for me all over again, in the middle of a club with R&B blasting.

I think the Shot of Fiery Hell screwed his brains up.

I got picked up by some HOT Aussie Dude while Calvin went to the toilet.

He was UBER HOT. I could feel his 8 Pecs while I tried to push him off and his Biceps were totally delicious.

But then again, I'm not a fan of random hook ups in clubs.

Proof that I'm still hot without exercise. =D

I helped Samson get number from girls in the club. I'm like his "Wing Man". HAHA.

Come to think of it, I've always been my boys' Wing Girl. I'd asked for numbers during Halloween for Edgar, and on other countless situations in the past. LOL.

It was totally coincidental that Matthew's from the same cell group as Calvin, and they both know each other. LOL.

Looks like Calvin's attempt at hiding his relationship with me is totally blown!

But oh well, all will blow over.

Calvin couldn't seem to hold his alcohol tonight, and he puked in his garden when he got home. =/

He's not as good a drinker as me, it seems.

All the attention tonight made me a really happy girl! =D

I just hope the boys are well and not puking their lungs out. =p

Body Aches.

How would I know if your words are true?

How would I know if you're using them as leverage to get me in bed?

Sometimes I'm thankful for certain concurrent situations to occur. It makes me realise how close I was to falling for those words.

Intangible words.

Give me discernment and protect me. Amen.

This quote summarizes it all.

Marion: It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses.

I saw this movie with Jamez Soh three years ago before he left for Switzerland. He was a very nice guy but I didn't love him. Because I never gave myself a chance, and I felt that I was too young to be with a much older guy.

He lent me tons of books, because at that time, I wanted to write a book. But after eons of procrastination, I stuck to blogging, and never really wrote.

What am I supposed to write about anyway?

Anyway, when he came back, we met up and had a nice dinner at Shin Kushinya, and I remember buying Mini Food at Vivocity.

Some memories don't fade. Because they were so...NICE.

I cried, when I saw this movie. Because this huge chunk of words summarized my relationships then.

Except I never had a break of 2 years. I moved on even quicker than that and went through so many more guys.

I miss this movie. I miss seeing Art Films.

=(

I have come to terms with myself that I will never be able to stop myself from loving him until the day a new distraction comes.

But until then, I will just allow myself to love him, with no hopes of anything happening.

The Social Butterfly has somehow lost all her magical dust and flutter. But I suppose with some partying, she will somehow regain it all back again.

=D

I'm rewatching Closer again, and this time it's another different perspective.

The irony of the situation is so so close to my heart right now. Somehow.

"Hello, Stranger."

It's strange how love or the "imprinting" (Twilight Lingo!) of someone makes one go head over heels.

Nevertheless, I'm glad that I've gone through it and I'm not any worse off.

I'm so looking forward to clubbing with Samson and friends again. =)

He's somehow always there when I need company. Actively seeking.

HAPPY. I like attention.

The last thing I need is for him to screw me over with his words and lead me on.

Woke up in the morning with that ache.

Emotional pain is so hard to handle...

BE SMART.

REALIZE IT WHEN THE OTHER PARTY NO LONGER CARES AND MOVE ON.

Stop. Thoughts.

Move on.

If only there was such a thing as a Doll House. Won't it be nice to experience everything without negative feelings and still get paid?

Went to meet clients today.

Attended an ill planned product training for NAV.

Unmotivated and in pain.

Met the Engineers from Hong Kong and the sub contractors.

We had lunch together before sending them off to the airport.

On the way home, sat on the bus, felt sick.

Puked in the morning, another time at night.

Puke fest.

$1.6k is too little. Tomorrow I will go for an interview for Kelly Services.

But I don't feel like working office hours again.

Until the alcohol wears off, I will be numbed.

Dumped Calvin. He doesn't love me. Never truly did.

All there was, started with L ended with T.

His heart is still with Audrey.

No point.

Cheers to Single-hood, and another adventure.

Lord, I thank you for your guidance and the discernment. Amen.

NUMB THIS PAIN AND NUMB IT GOOD.

A tattoo touch up is in order!

I'm taking up full time employment again, just so that my CPF will have more money.

I was talking to Auntie Sindy on the phone after supper, when the topic of marriage and relationships came up.

I realised that the Queen Bitch thinks I'm a flirt, yet is afraid of me falling in love and marrying too early.

Contradictory, I say.

Am I not old enough to date a few people, and find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?

She plans to keep me out of reach until I'm at least 30. WTF. And by then, NO ONE would want me.

I refuse to let that happen. It's my life, and I live it the way I want to.

If I have to squeeze a baby out of me just to make sure I get married, then so be it. I refuse to let another person dictate my life, other than God.

Although that would mean forgoing my dream wedding and proposal. =/

I think I have the fat genes of my aunties. It runs in the K family, I think. Skinny when young, fat when older.

Point of reference: The F.F and relatives. LOL.

Everyone's afraid of me ballooning out of proportion and getting so fat, I won't look good in a wedding dress. ROFL.

If a man were to judge me based on my weight, then I guess he isn't worth spending the rest of my life with. No doubt I would want to stay healthy, but I'm just not obsessed over my fat distribution.

I feel fine and happy without the need for men to judge how I look.

Supper with Johnson was fun. The ride on his Bumblebee was nice, with cool crisp air in my face while we sped down the expressway. The usual place for supper wasn't usual today. We talked about boobies. LOL.

He saw a bunch of girls all decked out in skin tight mini dresses with brack bla and forced cleavages, wondering out loud if they were suffering from wardrobe malfunction, hence the brack bla + holey toga dress combo.

I educated him of some girls' deliberate wardrobe malfunction for specific occasions and how cleavages were squeezed out of nothing.

LOL.

"Cleavage is a science. A combination of Ergonomics and Material Engineering." LOL.

I think I think too much.

Ms Dick Tracy is Over Paranoid...maybe.

Too Bad.

Once again, he took me for a fool.

He asked another girl to go over, to play with his Kitty.

Too bad that girl left her things over. Too bad she wanted a chance to come over again.

Too bad I decided to skip my Millionaire Conference and pop by his place for a visit.

Too bad he had a car accident which kissed the ass of another car while he went to fetch that girl.

Too bad he texted me and my intuition told me something was fishy.

Too bad his lies failed to work.

TOO BAD I PIECED IT ALL TOGETHER.

Too bad his dad invited me over to meet his relatives.

Too bad his sugar coated words can't sway me.

Too bad my heart is cold.

TOO FUCKING BAD.

How would you feel if I did it back to you?

I'm sick and tired of all these lies.

WHY DO MEN LIE?

I'm upset.

Because I just am.

*expletives*

Why can't CALVIN just shower me with SHITLOADS of attention that I NEED?

Why do I have to SCREW UP my relationships time and time again?

Why am I stuck with a boy that doesn't CARE?

It all boils down to Karma. Retribution. You Reap What You Sow. Do Unto Others What You Want Done Unto You.

*Expletives*

I'm unhappy because I'm stuck at home daily. Not earning any money, not contributing to myself or society.

I'm UNHAPPY because CALVIN isn't showering me with attention and I'm GOING BONKERS.

I'M SUFFERING FROM ATTENTION DEFICIT.

After more than 12 Hours of Intensive Mind Training today, with more to come on Saturday and Sunday, I hope the time invested will make me a Millionaire one day.

With what I've learnt, I want to effect a positive change in me.

Random.

Kissy: How to unlike a person?

Me: It's easy. Go to their facebook, click Like, then click Unlike. TADAH!

Power Play. A struggle of power.

This game gets addictive.

Would you even realize if I ran away?

I need to start working.

Staying idle at home is making me nuts.

I've never been unemployed before. And this voluntary unemployment is taking it's toll on me.

It's not healthy.

Karma.

Sometimes I feel that even if I left him, he won't feel anything.

Maybe I should.

But I'll be the one damning myself for leaving yet another relationship. I really want this to work out. I've already ruined the previous one I had.

This one I cannot let it go. I don't know why. Despite his flaws, I'm just DRAWN to him.

Maybe I'm just sick. Maybe in my subconscious, I like the emotional turmoil he drags me through.

But that can't be it.

A nugget to share.

Shirley: Why do guys have so much problems?!

Me: Cuz God created Men first. Prototype 1.0 always has more problems. That's why Women were created. The upgraded versions of Men.

Although deemed superior to females, I'd like to think that the only area of superiority they have is in their flaws. Men are just MORE FLAWED.

*sigh*

I should trust him more. But I'm afraid of getting hurt. Every step forward I take, pulls me back two steps. Because I always find something new.

And that something new isn't good.

I know I should understand him better and be more empathetic. But I can't. Chiefly because what I understand and know about, cannot be condoned!

Because what he had done before, I've done it before.

Perhaps this is what Harrison said.

"Karma."

He often tells me that he wants to be with me. But! He has long stopped telling me that he loves me.

Wanting a person as a possession and not cherishing her isn't the same as loving a person, come what may.

I'm not a toy...

Pornography.

noun

obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, esp. those having little or no artistic merit.

A different dick, a different pussy.

Same overused scenes and kinked up lines.

Teacher, Nurse, Student, Secretary.

May I know what's new?

Bondage, Gang Bangs and your sexual fantasies.

A troublesome threesome, of one too many.

My dislike and disdain, you do not understand.

Because you'd never gone through it.

Of Syphilis, Gonorrhea, etc.

Have you been frightened before?

Of dread and trepidation.

Promiscuity, a prostitution of my body.

Addiction

–noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, tosuch an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

All because of an Addiction, a Crave, a Want disguised as a Need.

Because of a betrayal of trust,

A destruction of what I once thought was worth the treasure.

Smashed.

The trust and honesty of a relationship.

The commitment and sacrifice.

Phobic. Uncherished.

The boy across the road did it.

(The Gambler's son did it.)

And the ball started rolling.

(And the roulette wheel kept spinning.)

His addiction, now mine.

(His father's, now his.)

Ten times worse.

Gone rampant.

Now sick and tired.

(Will he ever stop?)

Will you ever understand?

(Will he ever realize?)

Perhaps you're still stuck in it.

(Perhaps he's still stuck in it.)

Addict attracts the Addict.

A different dick, a different pussy.

(A different table, a different game.)

And the ball keeps rolling,

prostituting the body.

(And the dice keeps rolling,

all against the Odds.)

When words fail me.

And the irony of the situation strikes.

I love him...still.

We kinected over Kinect.

I've realised that I'm really fat.

=Depression sets in.=

Because I'm not appreciated for who I am.

It's almost Christmas again...

It's almost Christmas.

A little more than a month more, and it'll be Christmas.

How fast time flies.

This year, I changed two boyfriends, and two jobs.

Got accepted to do a Part time Degree, and got myself barred from the Econs exam due to bad luck.

I was stuck in a traffic jam for more than an hour, because out of nowhere, LTA decided to conduct road works in the middle of the day, closing THREE lanes into ONE.

I broke W.Q.'s heart to put my own heart on the line for Calvin.

Christmas for the past years were spent with W.Q, if my memory hasn't failed me.

This year would be different, and I hope I would be able to show Cal to my friends and family.

I don't know what to get for him for Christmas though. =/

We went for a date in Bugis today. Caught Megamind. Super cute. <3

I wish Cal isn't using me as a stepping stone, as a way to gain more experience dating. =/

My negativity gets to him sometimes, I think. I can't really help it though.

Appointment with Keith tomorrow in the afternoon to talk about somethings.

And then it'll be a date with Cal again, perhaps a nice walk in the park. I love strolls.

"Love has its own sense of compulsion."

I've finally realised what that phrase meant.

i feel like a fucking PET.

iCheat, iLeave.

Thanks to our MUTUAL FRIEND who told WQ about me KISSING another guy, I'm BREAKING UP with him.

I was cheated on once upon a time, by a boy across the road, who till this day still bugs me.

I know how it feels like, and I have to be honest and up front about it.

We kissed. I had a crush/infatuation/liking for this guy. This guy likes me. But that didn't change the fact that he is a serial playboy and a habit like that is hard to crack.

I guess going after attached girls must be a new challenge. He got me. I'm WEAK like that.

Who knows. I might end up with him. I'm just such a self harming slut this way. Always out to get myself burnt, taking unwanted risks, just because.

Just because I'm bored, lonely, crazy.

I sought advice. I was warned. But as I am, impetuous.

I got singed, not burnt yet.

This relationship. I destroyed it. WQ is the victim. Feel free to hate me.

Even if he forgives me, I doubt I'll be able to forgive myself. We'll probably remain friends and stop leading him on.

So, so messed up.

I'm failing Econs. Doesn't make sense to me. (I'm too wrecked.)