I'm taking up full time employment again, just so that my CPF will have more money.

I was talking to Auntie Sindy on the phone after supper, when the topic of marriage and relationships came up.

I realised that the Queen Bitch thinks I'm a flirt, yet is afraid of me falling in love and marrying too early.

Contradictory, I say.

Am I not old enough to date a few people, and find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?

She plans to keep me out of reach until I'm at least 30. WTF. And by then, NO ONE would want me.

I refuse to let that happen. It's my life, and I live it the way I want to.

If I have to squeeze a baby out of me just to make sure I get married, then so be it. I refuse to let another person dictate my life, other than God.

Although that would mean forgoing my dream wedding and proposal. =/

I think I have the fat genes of my aunties. It runs in the K family, I think. Skinny when young, fat when older.

Point of reference: The F.F and relatives. LOL.

Everyone's afraid of me ballooning out of proportion and getting so fat, I won't look good in a wedding dress. ROFL.

If a man were to judge me based on my weight, then I guess he isn't worth spending the rest of my life with. No doubt I would want to stay healthy, but I'm just not obsessed over my fat distribution.

I feel fine and happy without the need for men to judge how I look.

Supper with Johnson was fun. The ride on his Bumblebee was nice, with cool crisp air in my face while we sped down the expressway. The usual place for supper wasn't usual today. We talked about boobies. LOL.

He saw a bunch of girls all decked out in skin tight mini dresses with brack bla and forced cleavages, wondering out loud if they were suffering from wardrobe malfunction, hence the brack bla + holey toga dress combo.

I educated him of some girls' deliberate wardrobe malfunction for specific occasions and how cleavages were squeezed out of nothing.

LOL.

"Cleavage is a science. A combination of Ergonomics and Material Engineering." LOL.

I think I think too much.

Ms Dick Tracy is Over Paranoid...maybe.

Too Bad.

Once again, he took me for a fool.

He asked another girl to go over, to play with his Kitty.

Too bad that girl left her things over. Too bad she wanted a chance to come over again.

Too bad I decided to skip my Millionaire Conference and pop by his place for a visit.

Too bad he had a car accident which kissed the ass of another car while he went to fetch that girl.

Too bad he texted me and my intuition told me something was fishy.

Too bad his lies failed to work.

TOO BAD I PIECED IT ALL TOGETHER.

Too bad his dad invited me over to meet his relatives.

Too bad his sugar coated words can't sway me.

Too bad my heart is cold.

TOO FUCKING BAD.

How would you feel if I did it back to you?

I'm sick and tired of all these lies.

WHY DO MEN LIE?

I'm upset.

Because I just am.

*expletives*

Why can't CALVIN just shower me with SHITLOADS of attention that I NEED?

Why do I have to SCREW UP my relationships time and time again?

Why am I stuck with a boy that doesn't CARE?

It all boils down to Karma. Retribution. You Reap What You Sow. Do Unto Others What You Want Done Unto You.

*Expletives*

I'm unhappy because I'm stuck at home daily. Not earning any money, not contributing to myself or society.

I'm UNHAPPY because CALVIN isn't showering me with attention and I'm GOING BONKERS.

I'M SUFFERING FROM ATTENTION DEFICIT.

After more than 12 Hours of Intensive Mind Training today, with more to come on Saturday and Sunday, I hope the time invested will make me a Millionaire one day.

With what I've learnt, I want to effect a positive change in me.

Random.

Kissy: How to unlike a person?

Me: It's easy. Go to their facebook, click Like, then click Unlike. TADAH!

Power Play. A struggle of power.

This game gets addictive.

Would you even realize if I ran away?

I need to start working.

Staying idle at home is making me nuts.

I've never been unemployed before. And this voluntary unemployment is taking it's toll on me.

It's not healthy.

Karma.

Sometimes I feel that even if I left him, he won't feel anything.

Maybe I should.

But I'll be the one damning myself for leaving yet another relationship. I really want this to work out. I've already ruined the previous one I had.

This one I cannot let it go. I don't know why. Despite his flaws, I'm just DRAWN to him.

Maybe I'm just sick. Maybe in my subconscious, I like the emotional turmoil he drags me through.

But that can't be it.

A nugget to share.

Shirley: Why do guys have so much problems?!

Me: Cuz God created Men first. Prototype 1.0 always has more problems. That's why Women were created. The upgraded versions of Men.

Although deemed superior to females, I'd like to think that the only area of superiority they have is in their flaws. Men are just MORE FLAWED.

*sigh*

I should trust him more. But I'm afraid of getting hurt. Every step forward I take, pulls me back two steps. Because I always find something new.

And that something new isn't good.

I know I should understand him better and be more empathetic. But I can't. Chiefly because what I understand and know about, cannot be condoned!

Because what he had done before, I've done it before.

Perhaps this is what Harrison said.

"Karma."

He often tells me that he wants to be with me. But! He has long stopped telling me that he loves me.

Wanting a person as a possession and not cherishing her isn't the same as loving a person, come what may.

I'm not a toy...

Pornography.

noun

obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, esp. those having little or no artistic merit.

A different dick, a different pussy.

Same overused scenes and kinked up lines.

Teacher, Nurse, Student, Secretary.

May I know what's new?

Bondage, Gang Bangs and your sexual fantasies.

A troublesome threesome, of one too many.

My dislike and disdain, you do not understand.

Because you'd never gone through it.

Of Syphilis, Gonorrhea, etc.

Have you been frightened before?

Of dread and trepidation.

Promiscuity, a prostitution of my body.

Addiction

–noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, tosuch an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

All because of an Addiction, a Crave, a Want disguised as a Need.

Because of a betrayal of trust,

A destruction of what I once thought was worth the treasure.

Smashed.

The trust and honesty of a relationship.

The commitment and sacrifice.

Phobic. Uncherished.

The boy across the road did it.

(The Gambler's son did it.)

And the ball started rolling.

(And the roulette wheel kept spinning.)

His addiction, now mine.

(His father's, now his.)

Ten times worse.

Gone rampant.

Now sick and tired.

(Will he ever stop?)

Will you ever understand?

(Will he ever realize?)

Perhaps you're still stuck in it.

(Perhaps he's still stuck in it.)

Addict attracts the Addict.

A different dick, a different pussy.

(A different table, a different game.)

And the ball keeps rolling,

prostituting the body.

(And the dice keeps rolling,

all against the Odds.)

When words fail me.

And the irony of the situation strikes.

I love him...still.

We kinected over Kinect.

I've realised that I'm really fat.

=Depression sets in.=

Because I'm not appreciated for who I am.

It's almost Christmas again...

It's almost Christmas.

A little more than a month more, and it'll be Christmas.

How fast time flies.

This year, I changed two boyfriends, and two jobs.

Got accepted to do a Part time Degree, and got myself barred from the Econs exam due to bad luck.

I was stuck in a traffic jam for more than an hour, because out of nowhere, LTA decided to conduct road works in the middle of the day, closing THREE lanes into ONE.

I broke W.Q.'s heart to put my own heart on the line for Calvin.

Christmas for the past years were spent with W.Q, if my memory hasn't failed me.

This year would be different, and I hope I would be able to show Cal to my friends and family.

I don't know what to get for him for Christmas though. =/

We went for a date in Bugis today. Caught Megamind. Super cute. <3

I wish Cal isn't using me as a stepping stone, as a way to gain more experience dating. =/

My negativity gets to him sometimes, I think. I can't really help it though.

Appointment with Keith tomorrow in the afternoon to talk about somethings.

And then it'll be a date with Cal again, perhaps a nice walk in the park. I love strolls.

"Love has its own sense of compulsion."

I've finally realised what that phrase meant.

i feel like a fucking PET.

iCheat, iLeave.

Thanks to our MUTUAL FRIEND who told WQ about me KISSING another guy, I'm BREAKING UP with him.

I was cheated on once upon a time, by a boy across the road, who till this day still bugs me.

I know how it feels like, and I have to be honest and up front about it.

We kissed. I had a crush/infatuation/liking for this guy. This guy likes me. But that didn't change the fact that he is a serial playboy and a habit like that is hard to crack.

I guess going after attached girls must be a new challenge. He got me. I'm WEAK like that.

Who knows. I might end up with him. I'm just such a self harming slut this way. Always out to get myself burnt, taking unwanted risks, just because.

Just because I'm bored, lonely, crazy.

I sought advice. I was warned. But as I am, impetuous.

I got singed, not burnt yet.

This relationship. I destroyed it. WQ is the victim. Feel free to hate me.

Even if he forgives me, I doubt I'll be able to forgive myself. We'll probably remain friends and stop leading him on.

So, so messed up.

I'm failing Econs. Doesn't make sense to me. (I'm too wrecked.)