Conundrum

He quit cigarettes. I can't quit alcohol. I'm abstaining. But I think about it night and day.

But I simply refuse to drink alone. (I have many bottles at home collecting dust.)

If only I could turn back time to the day when I was 21. On my birthday. At the beach with my bitches drinking and bitching till the wee mornings. Dating the Chindian boyfriend and not giving a fuck to what everyone thinks. Getting tattoos. Being carefree.

Those days are long gone. Age has caught up. Stopped clubbing. Stopped bingeing. Started planning more. Started stressing and worrying.

Degeneration.

When a brain is stressed for a long period, it shrinks. My brain is shrinking. My hair has gone 30% white.

I'm only 25.

This sucks. It sucks to grow up. It sucks to have to act like a perceived grown up.

And yet I simply refuse to let myself go freely.

I'm a self made prisoner.

Which is stupid. But the society views others on how we behave outwardly.

Superficial. I can't even let my boyfriend's parents know of my tattoos. And that's superficially stupid. His colleagues judge when they see my body art. But to be honest what is on it doesn't reflect who I really am inside.

Shitty Society we live in.

I liked the fact that this company I work in now doesn't judge us on what's on our skin because he is equally painted. But humans are still superficial. I covered up for work the first couple months I worked there and he thought I was rude to stare at his arms when we first met. To be honest, I wanted to know of his stories. Sadly, I never got the chance to do so to date.

I'm glad that I have Daryl with me now. But I don't think I can ever live a conventional life since being conventional isn't my thing. Never was and never will be.

Lord, please be my guide and let me know my next step in this confusing and frustrating times. I need to relax. Amen.

Love and marriage.

He has to be the sweetest and most caring man I've ever met. I love him so much my heart bursts with joy when I think of the little things he do for me.

His gestures means a lot to me.

D, I'm sorry if I allowed the Tormentors to torture you with marriage pressures but I guess that's a sign that they really do like you.

I love you more than anything on Earth, and as eager as they are to chase me out of the house, I'm very eager to have our little life together.

<3

I hate my job. I hate the fact that I have to work with an egoistic bum of a Finance Manager who has had NO experience whatsoever before. (This is his FIRST JOB.)

And a pregnant and emotional lady. Just because she's hormonal.

Just because she's as clueless as the next Jane. And just because she refuse to sack the useless FM, it's causing negativity and lack of trust in the employees on pay matters. People work for pay. And if something as basic as salary can be screwed up, the loyalty and willingness to work for the firm is diminished.

Tell me if I'm wrong. There's many points for discussion here.

My CPF deduction was not done and CPF was not credited into my account for THREE MONTHS.

Everything would have been swept under the carpet and gone undetected had I not checked my CPF account. For those who do not know, CPF is our pension fund of sorts in Singapore.

And I am damn pissed with this matter.

In other companies, such errors would have resulted in an immediate termination of service.

In this company I'm working in now, it's all swept under the carpet. No warning letters, no termination, no reprimanding.

Just a talk one on one, to ask if I COULD HAVE MY CPF DEDUCTION AND CONTRIBUTIONS DONE AND DRAGGED FOR ANOTHER THREE MONTHS.

WTF.

Had I reported this matter to the ministry, the company would have faced a jail term and fine.

But I chose to settle the matter privately, because I knew it was all the fault of the FM.

From then on, my willingness to work in this firm has VANQUISHED.

I'm staying, because I'm looking for a new job. And because workplace is near home, travelling is less of a hassle.

That's all.

Employees have been leaving the firm because pay has been delayed and held by the company although we are supposed to give them their due salary every month.

The firm has been very underhanded and this has caused negative sentiments amongst the staff. Doesn't help that the locals have become more and more xenophobic whilst the firm continues to hire more foreigners.

The need for foreigners in this industry is understandable, as locals don't particularly like working in the service sector.

But the unhappiness of working under a foreigner can be felt and seen very visibly in the office.

Ugh.

I've lost the drive.

On his Autocorrect.

On this count, iPhone is pretty sweet.

Daryl quit smoking for me. I've been bugging him to quit before he could even think of marrying me ( I feel so buay hiao bye for saying this, because till this day I feel that I may not be good enough for him.) but he finally did it.

I can't describe the joy I feel when he finally stopped.

He got really sick one day and he couldn't smoke for a few weeks. I suggested he stop smoking even after that and he did.

Just like that.

I don't deny I have been praying hard for this day to happen. Because I can't bear to say no if one day he does propose but I've already made it clear before that I won't say yes if he continued smoking.

My heart is filled with so much joy.

<3 p="">

Loving him.

The first time we went out on a dinner date alone. The first time we held hands. The first time he volunteered to pick me up from work.

Those wondrous anticipatory quick beats of my heart at the thought of seeing him every time, still beats now, at a stronger, steadier pulse. Because our relationship strengthens daily.

<3

I love him so much!