I had another dream. Typed it all into my phone in bed...

It's 10 text messages long. I'll send it to anyone who wants to know...

Heart is filled with sadness, but I know I must move on. I cannot allow him to drag me down any further.

I'm sorry if I screamed and made your tiring days difficult. I still love you.

I wanted to follow him to Church really badly last evening. But I didn't allow myself to do that even though he had extended his invitation.

I didn't want to see him and make him feel pressured by my presence, since he was sick of me and my tantrums.

But I was thinking of the lessons. Wishing I was there to listen to God's words. =(

I cried out to God a couple days before, and this morning in bed, I realised that I need HIM now more than ever.

This morning, I saw Wan's message on my wall.

"A religious person once told me, marry not for the love in the other party. But for his/her love in God."

And then it struck me.

I need God more than anything else right now. He'll lead the way and I'm sure that he will lead me to the RIGHT ONE.

It may be him, it may not be him. But whichever way it is, I trust God. And I'm sure I won't die a Spinster. LOL!

Bought a pair of earrings online on e-Bay the other day. It looked exactly like the necklace the Father Figure bought for me many years ago.

=)

Grand's been sick lately, but when I visited her yesterday, she seemed fine. Just that she hasn't been eating much.

I'm worried.

The Queen Bitch is on a salad diet, and lost 2.5kg in a couple of weeks. LOL.

She's nuts. I'm not. I still love my food.

Was in great pain last night. Literally curled up in a ball to sleep. =(

Prayed a prayer. Cried myself to sleep.

I can't go out and have the fun I used to. I wish I still could now. =(

I just hope I recover quickly. I want to go out and have fun and meet all my friends again soon.

Do you hear me?

Been having vivid dreams these past few days.

Had another dream last night.

A couple in black, carrying a green lantern, running.

It was him and someone else. Hand in hand, they ran.

Didn't look like him, but it felt like it was a man in my life, running away.

Jabie and Feonna.

=)

And I saw them run. Running away from something. I saw them run, but I don't think it was me they were running away from.

I woke up thinking about them. About humility. About being non judgemental.

Was it because of the advice I gave to her?

I suppose so. Funny how dreams work.

Upset.

Bust my wounds while going to school, lugging them heavy textbooks.

*Que: Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis.*

Forgot my medication and pain killers. Munched on Nuggets to distract the pain. Rained when I got to school. Had to buy a new purple umbrella for $7.

Sick. Entire body ached from the Hepatitis shots I got from yesterday. Had a shot on each arm.

FUCKING HELL I'M IN PAIN!

Dear Lord, WHY?!?! =(

Went all the way to Bukit Panjang Plaza to study after school hours with Surin, Ricky, Peter and Jason.

Their jokes cheered me up a little and I felt less in pain. But the bleeding got worse. But then at 10pm, I don't think the hospital would admit anyone...

I'm greatful Ricky and Surin sent me home. Cuz if I were to train, I think I would've just fainted from the blood and pain. FML.

I just hope the meds would work wonders and stop the pain for now. =(

God, why did I put in so much effort into this relationship that was never going to work out? It's been less than 5 months, and it's destroying me faster than anything. He never loved me. Now I know. Please Lord, take away all these physical and emotional pain and suffering. Amen.

I've been sleeping alot these past few days, trying to recover from the operation. Vivid, colourful dreams/nightmares of pain and emotional turmoil.

Perhaps those tattoos are just hints of more scars to come, caused by more men.

In my dream, I ate alot of cake. And I got tattooed by Adrian. Of Kois, Willow trees, and Storks. The pain from the tattooing was so real... and it felt like painfully sweet relief from all these stress and emotional pain...

Should I get a new tattoo? But my body has run out of place for them...

They played Star Wars inside me while I wrestled and cussed.

Closed off from love I didn't need the pain

Once or twice was enough and it was all in vain

Time starts to pass before you know it you're frozen

But something happened for the very first time with you

My heart melted to the ground found something true

And everyone's looking 'round thinking I'm going crazy

But i don't care what they say I'm in love with you

They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth

My heart's crippled by the vein that i keep on closing

You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love

I keep bleeding i keep keep bleeding love

Keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love

You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear but they talk so loud

Their piercing sounds fill my ears try to fill me with doubt

Yet i know that the goal is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace

And in this world of loneliness i see your face

Yet everyone around me thinks that i'm going crazy

Maybe maybe

But i don't care what they say i'm in love with you

They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth

My heart's crippled by the vein that i keep on closing

You cut me open and i

Keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love

I keep bleeding i keep keep bleeding love

Keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love

You cut me open

And it's draining all of me

Oh they find it hard to believe

I'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see

I don't care what they say I'm in love with you

They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth

My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love

I keep bleeding i keep keep bleeding love

Keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love

You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love

I keep bleeding i keep keep bleeding love

Keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love

You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love

I Cooked.

Shitloads of comfort food.

Food I love eating at Grand's.

<3

I don't love you anymore.

You've stabbed my heart more than I can bear.

You've chewed with my heart and spat it out.

I have no more heart to love.

I don't want to love you anymore.

This love has taken it's toll on me...

What message would you want to put in a fortune cookie?

You've been poisoned.

Ask me anything

Where is your favorite place to visit?

I used to love the park, by the seaside, with Cass.

Ask me anything

What did you receive for Valentine Day?

A basket of roses, badly and hastily put together from FarEastFlora.com. I feel cheated for the guy who bought me this basket of badly arranged bouquet.

Guys, If you want to get flowers for girls, make sure they are made WITH LOVE AND CARE.

Something so shoddy should NEVER be gifted.

I thank him for his intentions though. =)

And because it was bought online, I TRACKED THE PRICE ETC FROM THE WEBSITE. LOL. XD

Ask me anything

Getting picked up by tall cute guys, knowing new friends, drinking, socializing...

Phuture and Zouk was fun last night, but bittersweet memories tainted the night...

Called him to send me home, in a moment of weakness, when anger slipped away, when somehow, inside, I thought he would be able to keep a promise.

He almost didn't. And I would have left him at that.

Breakfast at Thohirah's prata in Jalan Kayu, before home.

15th Feb.

E.T.'s house visit was pretty fun. I love my bitches. <3

W.Q. was obviously trying to make the situation awkward, bringing up things that were not to be spoken.

I let you bitch behind my back. But bitching about things that are obviously FUCKING CONFIDENTIAL is NOT COOL.

Friendship...

I've been coughing non stop this week, and it's not getting better. Dry coughs suck...

This Valentine's...

What should I do?

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Wrong pills.

DAMN.

Any idea what other pills will kill?

Why do men say "I love you" and then stab you so hard in the heart without even a word of "Sorry"?

Ate too much weird pills just now...

No amount of alcohol and drugs can numb this feeling.

Being with you has made me more tainted than I could ever be.

Your incorrigible ways will never change and the pain and trauma you've caused in my life will never go away.

All wounds will leave it's scar. And yours, will scar me for life.

God made me learn the hard way. I asked for it, and I sealed my fate with it.

Perhaps it's just me. But it hurts to love someone so much and be betrayed.

You never cared. Never loved. Immature and childish, you need more guidance than I can afford.

It hurts too much to be with you.

Giving you a second chance would be akin to drinking a liter of Whiskey on an empty stomach...

I've been drinking for the past 2 days with minimal food. Come to think of it, I didn't eat anything today! LOL!

I just drank and drank. But I'm still sober. Because the emotional pain stings.

I need a new tattoo. Some new physical pain. =)

A cross, a rosary, the irony.

A tainted temple.

What I hate.

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YOU RUINED MY LIFE.

I'M ALL ALONE NOW.

WHEN YOU PROMISED TO BE WITH ME AND MAKE ME YOUR WIFE, THEY WERE ALL LIES.

YOU WERE PLANNING TO CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS ON FACEBOOK AND YOU RE CREATED A NEW ADULT FRIEND FINDER ACCOUNT.

YOU ACTED WEIRD, NOT BECAUSE YOU CARED, BUT BECAUSE YOU FELT GUILTY INSIDE...IF YOU EVER FELT ANY REMORSE.

I'M DISEASED, AND WILL NEVER HAVE A CHILD... I THOUGHT I COULD LEAN ON YOU, BUT I WAS WRONG.

THIS PATH. WILL BE LONELY FOR ME, AND I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO WALK ALONE.

CALVIN YIO. I HOPE YOU DIE AN UGLY, DISEASED DEATH, 10X WORSE THAN MINE. BECAUSE YOU DESERVED IT AND I NEVER EVER DESERVED ANY OF THIS SHIT.

FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR FAMILY.

FOR THE UNWANTED STRESS AND TURMOIL YOU'VE BROUGHT ONTO ME.

FUCK YOU.

WHEN I DIE, I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR IT...

=(

Nobody has any idea what's boiling in this big pot of mess.

=(

Please make everything work out. amen.