He does not stand up for me. I don't feel protected.

Budget planning. Not worth a second thought?

It feels like I'm forcing things my way with the pushing of a wedding budget. I suppose the fact that the BTO flat will not be ready until 2016 just means that we have 3 long years to do things slowly. But he doesn't realize that 3 years isn't a very long time to do the necessary research to come out with a wedding budget.

It's upsetting.

He doesn't realize that a wedding venue has to be booked a year in advance, a wedding dress custom made takes a year of fittings to get right and a wedding in Singapore takes years to save up for.

I know in my heart he is the one. That even if Eileen throws a bunch of pilots in my face, I wouldn't waiver, even if a future teller told me he would be wheel chair ridden for the next half of his life, or that I'll risk getting defective babies with him, or getting his Hepatitis should we sex. 

I don't give a shit if these happened. Be side I love him. 

But I wish he knew these facts. The fact that we live in Singapore and that nothing is cheap except labour, and that if he has no intention of planning ahead with me, we'll be stuck scrambling for an event that will only happen once in a lifetime for most. (Ok, maybe 50%, due to rising divorce rates and Muslim marriages.) 

He doesn't realize that it's every girl's dream to have a perfect wedding and for that one day feel like a princess. (Ok, I don't want to be a Princess. I want to be Queen.) 

Sigh.

I'm not a stick pole size 0. I can't possibly fit into a rental gown. Customization would prolly have to be done. I don't want to risk looking like a meat dumpling and have pictures taken looking like one that I'll have to hang in my room till the day I die.

:(

I know I haven't found a new job. But that takes time. He said it himself that he would rather I find the right job and be happy than the wrong one and get depressed all over again. But he doesn't realize that he's the one depressing me. Pushing and nagging me to find a job while I'm doing my crucial last paper. 

I wish I had someone to guide me career wise. I'm so phobic of working for SMEs. Bad experiences scare me.

I just want to hide in a cave and never come out.

Depression eats me.

We have finally found our BTO flat. After a few long month's wait, it is finally ours!

I was so afraid that we wouldn't be able to get the unit of our choice after the disappointment of losing Compassvale Mast due to the ridiculous numbers of applicants.

=/

But at least we got Rivervale Delta,which isn't too bad, with nearby amenities for us in the future.

The stress of having to keep working just to support this pathetic little box that we call home is crazy.

I'm happily jobless and enjoying the last few weeks of my freedom as a student before I start my new job search with (finally!) a degree.

It's a tick off my to do list soon.

=)

Renovation costs seems crazy now. I'll have to do more research in this area and start planning our future.

I just wish he will work towards this goal with me. His slack nature makes me panic a million times more sometimes because I'm afraid he has no idea how major this is. 

It's now all about the money. 

And I'm still waiting for my dream ring...

I'm not looking forward to me impending joblessness. But I can't stand working in this negative and volatile environment any further.

It is taking it's toll on me emotionally, physically and mentally.

Having to go through the entire interview process again in this job search is a drag. Especially the need to dress up and impress when I'm now 75kg and not losing any weight is shitty.

More so without appropriate interview clothes, because my 60kg clothes no longer fit my 75kg frame.

And the fashion these days. Have you seen the sizes stocked on those racks?!

Size zeroes. Size fours.

It screams "Anorexia"!

I look forward to being jobless and slimming down in my free time while trying to get myself back into the right frame of mind.

Mentally, I'm spent and wrecked from my foray last year into the financial industry and the bullshit of this company.

I am, more than ever, determined to work in a MNC. With structure, procedures and processes.

SMEs with no regards for the law can crumble for all they want. I want no part in their lawless ways.

Yes, that's what I'll do.

I may be very down financially, but what's new. I've been poor all along. And when you're down all the time, the only way now is up.

(My optimism is but short-lived. See me cry and bitch when my money runs out.)

Alone.

So much thoughts in my head.

My entire body's aching from tension and stress.

Can't seem to rest enough anymore.

So sick of work. So sick of mundane life.

Can't seem to find other joy when I'm
alone. And recently I can't seem to find anything to talk to him about without him asking me to stop complaining.

So I stopped talking. And my unhappiness builds up.

And then very soon I'll start resenting the fact that I'm around him.

As it is, work hasn't been very appreciative of my contributions.

I'm just no good at sucking up to someone I don't respect as a person.

I wish my life had more life to it than this daily grind. I miss clubbing and people watching.

I miss that lively vibe. And the stupidity and thrill of drunk adventures.

Very much.

Changes.

Joanne is quitting after her maternity leave. Edwin is leaving in April.

Aisyah can't take the pressure of being a leader. I've volunteered myself more than once but perhaps I'm not good enough or too new in the company to take over the entire department.

I saw Timothy at Bishamon today during dinner. He said his firm is hiring.

Perhaps.

Maybe.

But in a crisis, there lies opportunity.

I'll hang in there. Because its damn near house.

Conundrum

He quit cigarettes. I can't quit alcohol. I'm abstaining. But I think about it night and day.

But I simply refuse to drink alone. (I have many bottles at home collecting dust.)

If only I could turn back time to the day when I was 21. On my birthday. At the beach with my bitches drinking and bitching till the wee mornings. Dating the Chindian boyfriend and not giving a fuck to what everyone thinks. Getting tattoos. Being carefree.

Those days are long gone. Age has caught up. Stopped clubbing. Stopped bingeing. Started planning more. Started stressing and worrying.

Degeneration.

When a brain is stressed for a long period, it shrinks. My brain is shrinking. My hair has gone 30% white.

I'm only 25.

This sucks. It sucks to grow up. It sucks to have to act like a perceived grown up.

And yet I simply refuse to let myself go freely.

I'm a self made prisoner.

Which is stupid. But the society views others on how we behave outwardly.

Superficial. I can't even let my boyfriend's parents know of my tattoos. And that's superficially stupid. His colleagues judge when they see my body art. But to be honest what is on it doesn't reflect who I really am inside.

Shitty Society we live in.

I liked the fact that this company I work in now doesn't judge us on what's on our skin because he is equally painted. But humans are still superficial. I covered up for work the first couple months I worked there and he thought I was rude to stare at his arms when we first met. To be honest, I wanted to know of his stories. Sadly, I never got the chance to do so to date.

I'm glad that I have Daryl with me now. But I don't think I can ever live a conventional life since being conventional isn't my thing. Never was and never will be.

Lord, please be my guide and let me know my next step in this confusing and frustrating times. I need to relax. Amen.