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Sunday, November 28, 2010

I'm upset.

Because I just am.

*expletives*

Why can't CALVIN just shower me with SHITLOADS of attention that I NEED?

Why do I have to SCREW UP my relationships time and time again?

Why am I stuck with a boy that doesn't CARE?

It all boils down to Karma. Retribution. You Reap What You Sow. Do Unto Others What You Want Done Unto You.

*Expletives*

I'm unhappy because I'm stuck at home daily. Not earning any money, not contributing to myself or society.

I'm UNHAPPY because CALVIN isn't showering me with attention and I'm GOING BONKERS.

I'M SUFFERING FROM ATTENTION DEFICIT.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

After more than 12 Hours of Intensive Mind Training today, with more to come on Saturday and Sunday, I hope the time invested will make me a Millionaire one day.

With what I've learnt, I want to effect a positive change in me.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Random.

Kissy: How to unlike a person?

Me: It's easy. Go to their facebook, click Like, then click Unlike. TADAH!

Power Play. A struggle of power.

This game gets addictive.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Would you even realize if I ran away?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I need to start working.

Staying idle at home is making me nuts.

I've never been unemployed before. And this voluntary unemployment is taking it's toll on me.

It's not healthy.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Karma.

Sometimes I feel that even if I left him, he won't feel anything.

Maybe I should.

But I'll be the one damning myself for leaving yet another relationship. I really want this to work out. I've already ruined the previous one I had.

This one I cannot let it go. I don't know why. Despite his flaws, I'm just DRAWN to him.

Maybe I'm just sick. Maybe in my subconscious, I like the emotional turmoil he drags me through.

But that can't be it.

A nugget to share.

Shirley: Why do guys have so much problems?!


Me: Cuz God created Men first. Prototype 1.0 always has more problems. That's why Women were created. The upgraded versions of Men.


Although deemed superior to females, I'd like to think that the only area of superiority they have is in their flaws. Men are just MORE FLAWED.

*sigh*

I should trust him more. But I'm afraid of getting hurt. Every step forward I take, pulls me back two steps. Because I always find something new.

And that something new isn't good.

I know I should understand him better and be more empathetic. But I can't. Chiefly because what I understand and know about, cannot be condoned!

Because what he had done before, I've done it before.

Perhaps this is what Harrison said.

"Karma."

He often tells me that he wants to be with me. But! He has long stopped telling me that he loves me.

Wanting a person as a possession and not cherishing her isn't the same as loving a person, come what may.

I'm not a toy...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Pornography.

noun
obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, esp. those having little or no artistic merit.

A different dick, a different pussy.
Same overused scenes and kinked up lines.
Teacher, Nurse, Student, Secretary.

May I know what's new?
Bondage, Gang Bangs and your sexual fantasies.

A troublesome threesome, of one too many.
My dislike and disdain, you do not understand.
Because you'd never gone through it.

Of Syphilis, Gonorrhea, etc.
Have you been frightened before?
Of dread and trepidation.
Promiscuity, a prostitution of my body.

Addiction
–noun
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, tosuch an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

All because of an Addiction, a Crave, a Want disguised as a Need.
Because of a betrayal of trust,
A destruction of what I once thought was worth the treasure.
Smashed.

The trust and honesty of a relationship.
The commitment and sacrifice.
Phobic. Uncherished.

The boy across the road did it.
(The Gambler's son did it.)
And the ball started rolling.
(And the roulette wheel kept spinning.)
His addiction, now mine.
(His father's, now his.)
Ten times worse.

Gone rampant.
Now sick and tired.
(Will he ever stop?)
Will you ever understand?
(Will he ever realize?)

Perhaps you're still stuck in it.
(Perhaps he's still stuck in it.)
Addict attracts the Addict.
A different dick, a different pussy.
(A different table, a different game.)

And the ball keeps rolling,
prostituting the body.

(And the dice keeps rolling,
all against the Odds.)