A year has passed. And now, most days I'm at peace with myself. Very happy, very calm.

No alcohol reliance anymore, no stress over stupid things I do not love.

I'm blessed and I count my blessings everyday.

Thank you Lord.

Trust & Transparency

I have realised for sometime now, that I have no one to talk to.

No one to bare my soul to, no one unassuming to listen.

Not when my own husband who is supposed to. Because we have different views on things. Because he's not a good listener. Because he throws his tantrums like a kid and it gets on my nerves.

It's almost 4am and sleep is eluding me.

I've enjoyed being a housewife so far and I could only wish I could be this way without the financial stress he's piling on me.

I haven't asked for a single cent from him. And he hasn't volunteered to take care of my finances since our marriage. I find that saddening. He used to promise me that he would support me. But it has disappeared since moving in together.
I feel disappointed. Very let down. I've not asked for anything so far but he has since requested that I look for work. And very under handedly asked his mother to pressure me too, I suspect.

I find this marriage lacking in proper communication and very soon it will all break down.

I beat him up and gave him hell last week for lying to me. And since then I have lost my trust towards him. I really wonder how long we'll last. I loved him when I married him but less than a year in, I'm starting to wonder if this will work out without transparency and trust in this relationship. He's not being transparent with me and I've lost my trust for him.

Òrange meringue pie

http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/25634/orange+meringue+pie

Tried this recipe today and it took me more than 8 hours from prep to finish, mainly because I wanted to take my time and my fridge is too cold everything was frozen.

My custard took longer to set than the stipulated 40 minutes in the oven and 2 hours in the fridge. I chilled it for at least 4 hours.

Sharing this recipe here because I might want to use it again.

Sticky Lemon Chicken Recipe.

Our second proper cooked meal in the house, Sticky Lemon Chicken! We used fresh Rosemary which I harvested from the pot I've been growing out on our balcony. :D 

This is my favourite chicken dish of all time! I'm so blessed to have such an awesome cook for  husband!

Sticky Lemon Chicken with fresh Rosemary

Serves:  4
Preparation Time:  10 minutes
Cooking Time: 25 minutes

Ingredients:

6 Drumsticks / 1 Whole Chicken Chopped into Pieces
Salt & Pepper
Cooking Oil
1 head of garlic, halved horizontally
A few thyme  / Rosemary / mixed herbs sprigs 

2 tbsp dark soy sauce

3 tbsp honey or more to taste
1 lemon, finely sliced 
Handful of flat leaf parsley, chopped (optional)

Method:

1. Score drumsticks and chicken breasts evenly. Season with salt and pepper. Heat the oil in a large pan.

2. Brown the chicken pieces, together with the garlic and herbs, over a high heat for two to three minutes on each side until golden brown.
3. Drizzle over the soy sauce and honey and shake the pan to combine the juices.
4. Pour in a good splash of hot water and add the lemon slices. Let the liquid bubble and reduce down until syrupy, which will take about 10 minutes or so. By now the chicken should be cooked through.
5. Transfer the chicken to a platter, spoon over the sauce and sprinkle with chopped parsley if using. Serve with Sweet Potato Mash or Potato Mash if desired.

Finally, I am loving with my husband in a lovely house given by my Mother In Law. Granted, it is only temporary whilst our flat builds, but I am still very grateful to be given the opportunity to move out and live with my husband.

Really grateful.

I've been having a hard time keeping my spirits up, to be honest. Crying every night is going to make me blind sooner than later.

I seem to have lost my will to socialise. Staying in my room the whole day seems to suit me fine. Making excuses to stay in my room makes me feel safe.

I really dislike human interaction these days.

I can't wait to move out and be left alone all day.

I feel horribly depressed. Did a goldberg test online. It says I'm severely depressed. But i haven't killed myself yet. Maybe tonight will push me to do it.

I'm sorry.

I really miss my grandparents.

I went back on Diane 35 which I have been trying not to take but the Gynea had prescribed it to me and Daryl was pretty adamant that I take it. So now my mind and body is screwed because I haven't had a period for 7 months prior to starting on Diane 35 and I'm getting massive mood swings now after starting on the pills again.

I'm getting paranoia and depression all at once and I hate him for it. I blame him. :(

Relaxed

I've started creating and crafting again. And I'm happy just crafting all day long. I'm happier. Now positive and I wish I could continue doing this till the day I die. I don't want to fight it out in the corporate world although I know I'm well capable of doing so simply because it doesn't bring me joy or happiness. Is not my passion. I've been asked and offered opportunities to work with my friends but I'm just not crazy over the daily grind. Creating and crafting on the other hand gives me so much joy and drive. I just need to find a way to sustain while doing what I love.

Feeling down.

Lacking the reaffirmation in life. Not sure if I'm doing anything right. I feel lost. Grieving still, from the death of grandma. I've suddenly lost the purpose of my life. No drive. No motivation. It's a step downhill from here.

Financially, it's a mess. This marriage. This 'life together' is just a stupid arrangement of red tapes and fucked up superstitions.

I have to work to bring home the bacon. Simply because he's not bringing home enough. I hate it. I hate this fact.

I need time to grieve. But I'm not given time to grieve. And now I'm just left here hanging and feeling half fucked.

I've dreamt about grandma so many nights. But no one to tell it to. No one to console me over my loss. Not even my own husband.

This deep sense of loss.

God. Where do I move from here? Career wise I'm dispassioned. At interviews I jinx it by saying the wrong things. Hoping I won't get it. And when it happens I curse myself and throw myself in doubt of my ability.

Every day I feel dead. A lifeless zombie.

I'm married. So now what?

My traditional Chinese Wedding Dinner is a year away.

We're still living apart and it's a hard to be apart. Even more so when we WANT to see each other daily, even if it's just for dinner and a nap until 12am and then he has to send me home...

The separation is giving me a lot of depression. The fact that the Tormentors are making it harder because of their stupid actions doesn't make me feel any better about this situation.

We've been married for about 2 months. And I just wish we could already move into our own space and be with each other just like how man and wife should be.

But it's not happening. And that's giving me a lot of grief and unhappiness.

My own father's pissing all over the kitchen toilet that I use and letting cockroaches breed in them every weekend when I'm away.

Just this long weekend alone, he did it again. And this time I was so disgusted by the baby cockroaches scurrying around, I pulled at my toilet door too hard and broke my thumb nail. The nail stabbed into my flesh in the process and it is now infected.

For that, I had to take 2 days of unpaid leave to stay indoors and handicapped because I can't type or cook or do anything with my left hand. (Right hand typing word by word now FYI)

I'm so sick of their actions. For a moment, I thought they would be happy for me. But I'm wrong. Right after our solemnization, the Queen Bitch started her schemes and drama.

Demanding exorbitant dowry and refusing to let me move out although my gracious mother in law had provided us an apartment to move into while waiting for our BTO to be ready.

I tried to do my laundry yesterday and quickly went out before I had to see their faces. Unfortunately I forgot to hand up my laundry in my hurry.

So guess what happened? One of them threw my wet laundry into a pail and pissed on it.

Fantastic.

On days like these, I'm suicidal.

Anyway, the Husband has a serious dental hygiene issue and he refuses to visit the dentist. I have stopped kissing him as much as I want to because the smell of his breath makes me want to vomit. And I'm contemplating annulment of marriage if he doesn't improve his breath, because I can't even kiss him during sex and when he's on top and breathing down my face, I feel like I'm going to force vomit on his face.

I feel like shit saying this but I'm at my wit's end.

I love him and I want to be with him but he's oral hygiene is beyond acceptable.

I think I'm a shitty wife.

I AM MARRIED

But living apart from my love. *sad face*

Let It Go! (Spoof Version) I wish someone would sing it.

The light glows white on the office tonight
Not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation,
and it looks like I'm the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in;
Heaven knows I've tried

Don't let them in,
don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel,
don't let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care
what they're going to say
Let the fart come on.
The smell never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance
Some people can still smell
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all

It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the faart come on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
The smell is quickly spreading all around
And one thought cold far is like an icy blast
I'm never going back, that fart is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the fart come on

The smell never bothered me anyway!

Bye, Grand. Till we meet in heaven.

The Lord took her away in the afternoon the next day.

I've cried my eyes out and I've run out of tears. My eyes hurts where tears used to flow.

Disappointed at some people whom I thought were closer friends. They never bothered turning up for the wake.

It's ok though. I thank God for the clear discernment.

I now know who are the ones who care and who don't. And I'm more sure than ever that Daryl is the one.

Thank you Lord for putting him into my life. Amen.

Panic

I've been plagued with attacks of anxiety and panic since we decided to push forward our solemnization by a year due to the deteriorating conditions of Grandma. Her renal failure is not improving and recently she has had a serious infection. Thank God her fever has subsided and she is one again able to eat and drink some.

Lord I pray that Grand will get better (if renal failure could even be cured) and give her comfort. AMEN.