Conundrum

He quit cigarettes. I can't quit alcohol. I'm abstaining. But I think about it night and day.

But I simply refuse to drink alone. (I have many bottles at home collecting dust.)

If only I could turn back time to the day when I was 21. On my birthday. At the beach with my bitches drinking and bitching till the wee mornings. Dating the Chindian boyfriend and not giving a fuck to what everyone thinks. Getting tattoos. Being carefree.

Those days are long gone. Age has caught up. Stopped clubbing. Stopped bingeing. Started planning more. Started stressing and worrying.

Degeneration.

When a brain is stressed for a long period, it shrinks. My brain is shrinking. My hair has gone 30% white.

I'm only 25.

This sucks. It sucks to grow up. It sucks to have to act like a perceived grown up.

And yet I simply refuse to let myself go freely.

I'm a self made prisoner.

Which is stupid. But the society views others on how we behave outwardly.

Superficial. I can't even let my boyfriend's parents know of my tattoos. And that's superficially stupid. His colleagues judge when they see my body art. But to be honest what is on it doesn't reflect who I really am inside.

Shitty Society we live in.

I liked the fact that this company I work in now doesn't judge us on what's on our skin because he is equally painted. But humans are still superficial. I covered up for work the first couple months I worked there and he thought I was rude to stare at his arms when we first met. To be honest, I wanted to know of his stories. Sadly, I never got the chance to do so to date.

I'm glad that I have Daryl with me now. But I don't think I can ever live a conventional life since being conventional isn't my thing. Never was and never will be.

Lord, please be my guide and let me know my next step in this confusing and frustrating times. I need to relax. Amen.